As Christians we know the Bible teaches us that sex should only take place in the realm of holy matrimony (Exodus 20, Matthew 5, John 8). But I was asked by a young lady to give a couple non-religious reasons as to why we shouldn’t engage in pre-marital or post-marital sexual relations and I thought I would share them.
Well my first point was how it affects the children and our future. Currently in America the magazine Fatherhood Today is reporting that 41% of children are born out of wedlock with a staggering 70% of African American children predicted to be born out of wedlock this year. Can a woman raise a child alone? Yes. But any woman that I have asked knows that raising a child is at least a 2 person job. We have seen the affect of young men without a father around, without guidance, without a stable home, and without leadership from fathers and other men in the African-American community. African-American children make up the highest percentage (over 40%) of children in foster care in the United States. And one of the direct results is now 1 out of every 11 African-Americans is incarcerated which is why I am involved in prison ministry. I started doing prison ministry because of my male friends that were incarcerated in their early twenties and I would write them and go visit them and realized I wanted to do more. None of those friends grew up with their fathers.
My second point surprised the listener as it did not lean to statistics on prisons, marriage, or father-less homes but leaned to a matter of the heart. I plainly said to her do you realize how much hurt you can avoid when you do not engage in sexual relationships? Yes some people claim they can have casual sex and it mean absolutely nothing to them and that is another issue, but the majority of us if we are honest, make a connection. One of the problems is that we associate getting to know someone with making out, hooking up, and sexual intercourse. We attach ourselves to someone temporarily and that attachment goes deeper than the physical as we do things that were prescribed for marriage. And then when the boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with us the pain settles in as a direct result. Well what if you didn’t have sex? What if you didn’t spend the night? What if you didn’t let him come over late at night? What if you only met in a public place like on your first date? What if you didn’t move in together? What if you truly spent time getting to know each other on the inside? I asked her plainly…do you need to make out or have sex with someone to get to know them? The answer is no. The world has tricked us with slow songs and movies and alcohol infused social events and apps like Tender that its beneficial to meet and hook up and live together as quickly as possible. The media has taught us that sex = love. But then that just leads to more heartache and pain as you eventually end up trying to unravel a connection that shouldn’t have been there in the first place. As a Prison Pastor I spend so much time talking to men about “relationship hurt” and so often I go right back to the root… Why did you have sex with this lady that you now deem to be crazy? Why did you move in with this person and make her your baby mama if you don’t want anything to do with her? Sex fools us into thinking we are a lot closer and a lot more compatible than we actually are.